It Takes Two to Tango: Why Educating Your Daughter is Only Half the Battle

When schools request that I come do an assembly, I’m often invited to only speak to the girls.

I then counter by strongly suggesting that I speak to both the girls and guys.

Why?

Because educating girls about love, sex, and relatinships is only half the battle!

And guys are often just as receptive to my message as girls are, and sometimes more so.

My Equal Opportunity Message

As much as I enjoy seeing the light-bulb go off for a girl or guy in my class, I really love it when I get to talk to couples.

[Read more…]

The Issue of Faith: Why it Matters and How NOT to Apply It When Having “The Talk”


A latin mature father sitting and reading the Bible to his family outdoors in a medium shot.

In honor of this Easter weekend, I thought it fitting to tackle the role faith plays in teen girls’ decision-making when it comes to sex.

From the time we were born, we were taught to chase the momentary satisfaction. We were taught to find the largest high to fulfill our greatest lows and for me, that was sex. I gained my ultimate satisfaction from the opinion of man. It wasn’t until I discovered that a righteous, pure, just man died for me, that I found my true value and worth, Jesus Christ. Now I no longer have to chase the momentary satisfaction because I’ve found a permanent one. ~High School Junior

The truth is, religious beliefs are a very strong reason why some teen girls (and guys) abstain.

According to the National Survey of Family Growth, more than half of teen girls—57 percent—said that they had never had sex, and nearly one-half of these young women said that the main reason they had abstained from sex was that it was against their religion or morals. 1

And I have received numerous letters from girls that confirm this survey’s results.

If I wasn’t already sold on being sexually abstinent because of religious and emotional reasons, I surely am now. ~High School Sophomore

I am a Christian girl and my biggest fear isn’t STD’s or the emotional distress, etc. It’s the fact that my God would be disappointed in me. I am not trying to say that I would have sex if I didn’t know my God but I’m saying why don’t you explain to people that you can find love through something else that’s not a person or material things. ~High School Freshman

As a Christian myself, I understand why Christian parents would approach their “Talk” from a biblical perspective. And I think that’s great!

But time and again I see teens reject their parents’ teachings.

[Read more…]

Back to the Basics: Why Sexual Assault Prevention Begins with Consent

130419-F-CK779-001

"It took me listening to you for me to realize that I’ve been raped twice."

WOW! It boggles my mind that any young lady wouldn’t recognize when she’s being raped. Why is that?

Is it because girls are so desperate for attention from a guy that they are willing to do whatever he wants just to get it, including having sex unwillingly?

Or is it that they have been conditioned to believe that what they want doesn't matter?

Do they think so little of themselves and their bodies that they don’t believe they have the right to decide what happens to their bodies?

In honor of Sexual Assault Awareness & Prevention Month, I thought it important to shed light on an issue that is more pervasive than most parents realize.

The Problem Defining the Culture

Sadly, I have enough letters from teen girls sharing their sexual assault stories, that I could post one every day for months.

And I’ve read way too many letters from girls who tell me that they wouldn’t say they were raped; they just didn’t want to have sex.

Or they say, they succumbed to pressure and just “let it happen,” like the young lady below: 

[Read more…]

Prom Proposition: How to Save Your Daughter from Making an Offer Her Date May or May Not Refuse

It’s that time of year again when girls are on the hunt for that showstopper dress and matching shoes, the perfect hairstyle to accentuate their best features and a flawless make-up application to tie it all together.  

Apart from her future wedding day, and perhaps her Sweet Sixteenth birthday, there isn’t an event in a girl’s life more highly anticipated than prom.  

Why?

If you think it’s just about saying “yes to the dress,” think again!

Who’s Pressuring Whom?

You’ve often heard me talk about how things have changed over the 15 years that I’ve been speaking to teens. Well, this is one of those areas.

We’ve always believed the guy is the one who would pressure the girl to have sex on prom night.

Not anymore! Check out what this young man wrote me:

My friend is asking me constantly to take her virginity on prom night. I love her, but I would feel guilty knowing if I do she would feel guilty seeing how she used to say she wanted to wait till marriage. Sad thing is that I persuaded her to think another way, talk about irony, right? Another factor that I find more messed up is that other females ask me to take theirs as well. Being a young man, I know I’ll make the right decision.

I don’t know for the life of me when prom became the expiration date for when a girl loses her virginity. Unfortunately, it’s an issue that I continue to see play out with students.

Like the young man who approached me after the second day of my class to ask for advice. He was a junior and dating a girl who was a sophomore.

[Read more…]

Keeping Secrets: 3 Reasons Why Your Daughter Doesn’t Confide in You and What You Can Do About It

Secrets

Teen girls, who could easily be your daughter, confide in me secrets that they don’t share with their moms.

I know this to be true because of what they’ve told me.

I wake up and ask myself every day, ‘Why did you have sex with him?’ and I can’t even answer it. I just felt like I had to…I refuse to tell my mom. I never want her to find out. I hate myself for not being able to control this stuff.

Fears Fueling Girls’ Secrecy
 
So why do teen girls pour out their heartfelt secrets to me? And how can moms like you apply what works for me with your own daughters? 
 
Here are three reasons why your daughter may be keeping secrets, along with tips to help you help her so she’ll know it’s safe to share both her highs and her lows with you.
 
1. She’s afraid you’ll judge her. 

An Open Letter to the Mom Who Bought Tickets for Her 13-Year-Old Daughter and Her Friends to Watch Fifty Shades of Grey


Hand is writing calligraphic letter starting with dear using old pen on yellow paper

This month marks the two-year anniversary of the premiere of the movie, Fifty Shades of Grey. And if the first movie wasn’t graphic enough for you, the sequel that premiered this month, Fifty Shades Darker, should do the trick. That is, if you’re old enough to watch an R-rated movie and not a 13-year-old girl like the young lady below who mentioned in class one day that she had seen it. 

If you know me at all, you know I wasn’t about to let this little revelation go without me engaging her further. 

Me: You saw Fifty Shades of Grey?!?!!?!?!?

Her: Yes!

Me: Isn’t that movie rated R? How did you get to see it?

Her: If you buy your tickets online, they don’t check it when you give them your ticket.

Me: How did you buy the ticket online if you aren’t old enough to have a credit card?

Her: My mom bought the ticket.

Me: Your MOM took you to see Fifty Shades of Grey?!?!?!

Her: NO, she didn’t go with me. She just bought the tickets for me and my friends to go see it.

[Read more…]

What’s Love Got to Do with It? How to Help Your Daughter Make Valentine’s Day “Special” Without Sex

This time every year, teens (like adults), gear up to celebrate Valentine’s Day with the person they love. They buy cards, chocolate, teddy bears, balloons and flowers. They plan a romantic evening that may include dinner and a movie, and yes, even sex.

Word Love with heart shaped Valentines Day gift box on old vintage wooden plates. Sweet holiday background with rose petals, small hearts, curved ribbon.


In fact, a young lady approached me after class last week because she wanted to take one of my pledge cards, but she didn’t want it to be “activated" until after February 14th. Her plan was to wait until AFTER she had sex with her boyfriend on Valentine’s Day, before she began practicing abstinence.

I am a senior and while you were here you told me exactly what I had gone through and how to stop it. I asked you about becoming abstinent after Valentine’s Day because I felt as though sex is the only thing that would make Valentine’s Day special.

Sex is Not the Gift. She is!

I cannot tell you how many letters I’ve received from girls who told me they were planning to have sex to show their boyfriends how much they love them or to make them happy. As if sex is the only way to prove their true feelings or the gift that keeps on giving

It’s not!

I made it clear to the young lady above that either she wanted to abstain or she didn’t.  If she used Valentine’s Day as an excuse to have sex, she’d use another excuse the next time she wanted to have sex to justify it. 

I also reminded her that she was the prize!  If her boyfriend truly loved her, spending quality time with her on Valentine’s Day was “special” enough.

Thankfully, she got it.

…you made me realize there’re other things we could do. I am worth more and you made me realize it. My boyfriend also accepted the abstinence pledge card and after I told him everything you told me, he decided to do this with me.

Now let’s make sure your daughter does too.

Steer Her in the Right Dating Direction!

[Read more…]

Your Daughter is Listening, Whether You Believe it or Not!

Words have power.

I’ve always been confused on what I want with my body. I’ve grown up around family who tells me, “You’re going to have sex. You’re going to drink and go to parties,” as if I couldn’t avoid doing it. The problem is I listened. I started drinking, and it became a problem. It’s something I always regretted.

I’m still a virgin, and thanks to your lesson, I realized that’s one thing I can truly still take control of. I finally feel like I can control something. 

You really helped me wake up to [realize] what I’ve been doing to myself. I really appreciate what you’ve done for me. Please come back to help other girls like me.

There are a couple of things the young lady wrote in the above letter that I think you may be able to learn from in order to help your daughter make good choices.

[Read more…]

Why are Teens Really Having Sex? It’s Not What You May Think!

Young couple kissing

I believe students find my presentation to be so effective because I don’t use the fear of contracting STD’s or getting pregnant to persuade them not to have sex. While the “scared straight” approach may work at convincing most teens to avoid jail, it doesn’t convince most to avoid sex. 

Why? Because raging hormones that need to be scared straight into submission aren’t the real reason teens are having sex based on what my students tell me in the letters they write – especially girls. In fact, in many cases, they don’t even want to have sex as you’ll see in the clip below.

[Read more…]

Girls Will Date One of Three Types of Guys: How to Help Your Daughter Choose Wisely


Annoyed young Caucasian woman with three men playing video games

In the introduction of my book, 7 Secrets Guys Will Never Tell You: A Teen Girl’s Guide on Love, Sex, and Relationships, I present what has become a novel concept about the three types of guys that girls will encounter: the Player, the Good Guy and the Best Guy.

1. The Player—He doesn’t care about the girl and just wants sex.

He says all the right things, leads her to believe he cares, wins her heart and moves on after he’s gotten what he wants.

…my number one goal was to have sex and to get it as quick as possible without putting in any work. Sometimes it would take me a day, sometimes it would take me two weeks: two weeks was the most amount of time I would spend talking to the girl before I moved on if she didn’t have sex. 

2. The Good Guy—He truly cares about her, but may still want sex. 

He has no intention of ever hurting her in any way. He doesn’t pressure her for sex. As a matter of fact, he allows her to decide when she’s ready. Unfortunately, the media may have conditioned him to equate sex with love, so he may believe the only way to express his love for her is through sex.

[Read more…]