Battle of the Sexes: Why it’s Easier to Talk Teen Boys Out of Having Sex than it is Girls…

tug of war, teens playing on beach on summer vacation or spring break

When I started speaking to teens about sex 15 years ago, I only spoke to 8th grade girls for about three years. When the opportunity to speak to high school students presented itself, I must admit, I was rather nervous.

It’s one thing to convince a 13 to 14-year-old girl who most likely hasn’t started having sex why she should abstain. It’s an entirely different challenge to convince 17 to 18-year-old girls who may already be sexually active, why they should stop having sex. Not to mention, the high school classes are also co-ed.

And if I thought it would be difficult to convince a 17 to 18-year-old girl to abstain, I figured it would be nearly impossible to do the same for guys. 

Boy, was I wrong!

I started getting letter after letter after letter from young men like the one below: 

You have honestly changed my whole perspective on having sex in high school. I didn't care whether or not I had sex, with who or how many. I just saw it as pleasure and having a good time. I never thought through the consequences. You made me realize how much having sex can jeopardize my future and other people's. I'm also glad you came to talk with be now, because it'll keep me from making future mistakes. I will always go back to your speech every time an opportunity comes and actually think before I act. Now that I know better, I will do better. 

Guys’ vs. Girls’ “Sex-pectations”

I wasn’t sure why guys were willing to discontinue sex more easily than girls until I started doing an activity in the classroom.

I asked girls and guys to list what they expected from sex.

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Keeping Secrets: 3 Reasons Why Your Daughter Doesn’t Confide in You and What You Can Do About It

Secrets

Teen girls, who could easily be your daughter, confide in me secrets that they don’t share with their moms.

I know this to be true because of what they’ve told me.

I wake up and ask myself every day, ‘Why did you have sex with him?’ and I can’t even answer it. I just felt like I had to…I refuse to tell my mom. I never want her to find out. I hate myself for not being able to control this stuff.

Fears Fueling Girls’ Secrecy
 
So why do teen girls pour out their heartfelt secrets to me? And how can moms like you apply what works for me with your own daughters? 
 
Here are three reasons why your daughter may be keeping secrets, along with tips to help you help her so she’ll know it’s safe to share both her highs and her lows with you.
 
1. She’s afraid you’ll judge her. 

An Open Letter to the Mom Who Bought Tickets for Her 13-Year-Old Daughter and Her Friends to Watch Fifty Shades of Grey


Hand is writing calligraphic letter starting with dear using old pen on yellow paper

This month marks the two-year anniversary of the premiere of the movie, Fifty Shades of Grey. And if the first movie wasn’t graphic enough for you, the sequel that premiered this month, Fifty Shades Darker, should do the trick. That is, if you’re old enough to watch an R-rated movie and not a 13-year-old girl like the young lady below who mentioned in class one day that she had seen it. 

If you know me at all, you know I wasn’t about to let this little revelation go without me engaging her further. 

Me: You saw Fifty Shades of Grey?!?!!?!?!?

Her: Yes!

Me: Isn’t that movie rated R? How did you get to see it?

Her: If you buy your tickets online, they don’t check it when you give them your ticket.

Me: How did you buy the ticket online if you aren’t old enough to have a credit card?

Her: My mom bought the ticket.

Me: Your MOM took you to see Fifty Shades of Grey?!?!?!

Her: NO, she didn’t go with me. She just bought the tickets for me and my friends to go see it.

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What’s Love Got to Do with It? How to Help Your Daughter Make Valentine’s Day “Special” Without Sex

This time every year, teens (like adults), gear up to celebrate Valentine’s Day with the person they love. They buy cards, chocolate, teddy bears, balloons and flowers. They plan a romantic evening that may include dinner and a movie, and yes, even sex.

Word Love with heart shaped Valentines Day gift box on old vintage wooden plates. Sweet holiday background with rose petals, small hearts, curved ribbon.


In fact, a young lady approached me after class last week because she wanted to take one of my pledge cards, but she didn’t want it to be “activated" until after February 14th. Her plan was to wait until AFTER she had sex with her boyfriend on Valentine’s Day, before she began practicing abstinence.

I am a senior and while you were here you told me exactly what I had gone through and how to stop it. I asked you about becoming abstinent after Valentine’s Day because I felt as though sex is the only thing that would make Valentine’s Day special.

Sex is Not the Gift. She is!

I cannot tell you how many letters I’ve received from girls who told me they were planning to have sex to show their boyfriends how much they love them or to make them happy. As if sex is the only way to prove their true feelings or the gift that keeps on giving

It’s not!

I made it clear to the young lady above that either she wanted to abstain or she didn’t.  If she used Valentine’s Day as an excuse to have sex, she’d use another excuse the next time she wanted to have sex to justify it. 

I also reminded her that she was the prize!  If her boyfriend truly loved her, spending quality time with her on Valentine’s Day was “special” enough.

Thankfully, she got it.

…you made me realize there’re other things we could do. I am worth more and you made me realize it. My boyfriend also accepted the abstinence pledge card and after I told him everything you told me, he decided to do this with me.

Now let’s make sure your daughter does too.

Steer Her in the Right Dating Direction!

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Your Daughter is Listening, Whether You Believe it or Not!

Words have power.

I’ve always been confused on what I want with my body. I’ve grown up around family who tells me, “You’re going to have sex. You’re going to drink and go to parties,” as if I couldn’t avoid doing it. The problem is I listened. I started drinking, and it became a problem. It’s something I always regretted.

I’m still a virgin, and thanks to your lesson, I realized that’s one thing I can truly still take control of. I finally feel like I can control something. 

You really helped me wake up to [realize] what I’ve been doing to myself. I really appreciate what you’ve done for me. Please come back to help other girls like me.

There are a couple of things the young lady wrote in the above letter that I think you may be able to learn from in order to help your daughter make good choices.

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Why are Teens Really Having Sex? It’s Not What You May Think!

Young couple kissing

I believe students find my presentation to be so effective because I don’t use the fear of contracting STD’s or getting pregnant to persuade them not to have sex. While the “scared straight” approach may work at convincing most teens to avoid jail, it doesn’t convince most to avoid sex. 

Why? Because raging hormones that need to be scared straight into submission aren’t the real reason teens are having sex based on what my students tell me in the letters they write – especially girls. In fact, in many cases, they don’t even want to have sex as you’ll see in the clip below.

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Girls Will Date One of Three Types of Guys: How to Help Your Daughter Choose Wisely


Annoyed young Caucasian woman with three men playing video games

In the introduction of my book, 7 Secrets Guys Will Never Tell You: A Teen Girl’s Guide on Love, Sex, and Relationships, I present what has become a novel concept about the three types of guys that girls will encounter: the Player, the Good Guy and the Best Guy.

1. The Player—He doesn’t care about the girl and just wants sex.

He says all the right things, leads her to believe he cares, wins her heart and moves on after he’s gotten what he wants.

…my number one goal was to have sex and to get it as quick as possible without putting in any work. Sometimes it would take me a day, sometimes it would take me two weeks: two weeks was the most amount of time I would spend talking to the girl before I moved on if she didn’t have sex. 

2. The Good Guy—He truly cares about her, but may still want sex. 

He has no intention of ever hurting her in any way. He doesn’t pressure her for sex. As a matter of fact, he allows her to decide when she’s ready. Unfortunately, the media may have conditioned him to equate sex with love, so he may believe the only way to express his love for her is through sex.

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The Ripple Effect: 2016 Edition

stones in a water

 

"I alone cannot change the world; but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples."
~Mother Theresa

 

It’s hard to believe that 2017 is already here.  Am I the only one that feels like the days are passing faster and faster each year? 

I’m always blown away each year as I assemble the data to share the review of my previous year.

2016_Review

The Power of Life is in the Tongue!

But it’s never about the numbers for me.  I don’t gauge my success by the number of students who hear me speak, the number of letters I receive or the number of commitments made. If I can make a positive impact on the life of just one student, it’s worth it! Letters like this young lady’s below is the only encouragement I need to continue “casting stones across the waters.”

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Can You Really Teach Selflessness to the Selfie Generation?

The answer is yes, you can! Granted, selflessness is not a topic students expect to hear when they take my Sex-Ed class, but I’ve found it to be quite effective once I break it down for them.

Teen Sex is as Selfishness Does

Every school year I introduce a new approach that becomes the focus for my classes. Last year it was selfishness vs selflessness.

As with tackling any new approach, there are a couple steps I take to introduce it:

  1. Define the Approach/Idea. I always like to begin with a definition that students can understand on their level.

“Selfish is when you make a decision that benefits you even though it hurts someone else.”

Sometimes even concepts that adults deem “simple” are anything but for teens, so I never assume they already know what I mean.

  1. Paint the picture. Let’s face it, when it comes to talking about teen sex there’s not a lot of “painting” required. Oh they get it!

But as you’ll see in the clip below, I do paint the picture of the selfishness of teen sex, especially given the very real possibility of a baby being conceived. Despite what some reality shows would have teens to believe, teen parenting is never ideal for the baby or the parents.

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7 Secrets Book Update: The Ultimate Guide Every Teen Girl Needs

Shortly after I shared in a post in April that my book would be released in July, an unexpected obstacle caused a delay in the release of the book. I was disappointed because I was looking forward to finally getting the book into the hands of young ladies who so desperately need to read it. It didn’t take long for me to realize that the delay was a blessing in disguise.

After things didn’t work out with the first graphic designer I hired, I found a book des7SecretsCoverInteriorigner who provided advice that will result in me publishing a much better product.  One of the first things he recommended was a redesign of the book cover.

How do you like the new design?

He also recommended a different method of printing that would allow me to add color to the interior at a reasonable cost.

Taking my own advice!

When I speak to girls about their relationships, I share the following:

The enemy of best is not bad; the enemy of best is good!

How ironic that I was fully prepared to publish what I thought was a “good” book, until my book designer, Michael Rohani, showed me how I could publish a “best” book.

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